The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
