I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
