Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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