Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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