So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
