I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
