Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
someone owes me an orgasm
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
