Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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