I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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