While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
