I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
