I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
