a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
