I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
