I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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