I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
