Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
