Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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