So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
