Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
