she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
