My liver just broke up with me...
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
