ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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