he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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