I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
