mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
