i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
