And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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