I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
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