So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
