today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
