I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He has the fingertips of a God
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
