My Higher Power is John Stamos
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
