ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
