i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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