Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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