I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
