I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
