I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Pants are for mortals
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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