you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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