if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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