were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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