its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You dont lie about slip and slides
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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