I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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