Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
