This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
