I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
