it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
two words...techno handjob
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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