I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
