I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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